Breastfeeding tops…the modern day Rubik’s Cube

Breastfeeding tops…the modern day Rubik’s Cube

Having taken a solid chunk of time off work to spend with Dress and Rattle, I have been mostly been acting as House Husband while Rattle, otherwise known as the human lactose suction machine (Guzzler has also been used on a few occasions), is attached to an ever more occupied Dress (and by occupied I mean sat on the sofa ploughing through Grey’s Anatomy and smashing candies while Guzzler empties the filling station). There are many Fatherly duties in my daily running order:

  • Making breakfast
  • Washing and sterilising bottles, breast pumps and nipple shields
  • Shushing and Rocking (I have given myself a Grand Master status having stopped a meltdown a few nights ago)
  • Pramming around the park
  • Making lunch
  • More sterilising
  • Another park pramming
  • Dinner
  • Yet more sterilising
  • Laundry

Now it is this last where I have discovered the most unbelievable of puzzles – the breast feeding top. If you thought unravelling headphone cables was difficult, that is nothing on one of these. These tops have the appearance of normality – one neckhole and two armholes but with what appears to be endless number of clothy bits pointing out in the most random of directions. The first one of these I had to unravel, disappointingly, I gave up. These need an instruction manual to unravel. Not so much “Put Tab A into Slot B”, more like “Fold Wing A backwards and over Clothy bit F before turning inside out”. Clothy bit F??? There are only 3 clothy bits that I can see! I never completed a Rubik’s cube, I never completed Super Mario World and unravelling of a breast feeding top is now added to this sad list. Ho hum.

I made an angel

Living in London’s Nappy Valley (don’t bother trying to find it on Google Maps) and clearly being one of few Fathers enjoying an extended experience as a new family I get to see how the other half live. The other half being new mothers post the two weeks of standard paternity leave now Fathers are back at work. For those who have not experienced Nappy Valley Monday to Friday in brunching or lunching hours, there is far more chance of getting hit by a Bugaboo, being driven one handed by a new mum (Decaf Latte in the other hand obviously), than a car. This is dangerous territory I tread although I am thankful that Rattle is housed in a Bugaboo as well and if I do venture out alone for pramming with Rattle, I have had a hit of caffeine, so more alert than the breast feeding masses. Anyway, I digress somewhat, back to the breast feeding top.  Now these are clearly a breastfeeding mum’s best friend (you do not realise how hard it was not to write that as ‘breast friend’). The tops have the duality of being ‘fashionable’ and allowing easy access to the filling station for the suction machines at the first signs of a pouty little mouth.

Whilst sat in coffee shop earlier in the week surrounded by a good number of breastfeeding tops in action (plus one bare filling station!) I invented a game called “Rootin’ Tootin’ Breast Slinging”. The premise is simple: two mothers, two babies. Babies need feeding at exactly the same time, they make some noise or signal at exactly the same time and mums have to whip out the filling station for baby. Quickest to draw and have a successful latch is the winner. Through some knock out tournament we would eventually get to declaring the Quickest Slinger in the Wild South West (of London). I appreciate the logistics has some flaws as well as likely breaking a number of UN Resolutions but it would be interesting and a robust review process for all breastfeeding tops to go through.

You can continue to follow the adventures of Rattle & Tie (and Dress) on Instagram – – and Facebook –

One thought on “Breastfeeding tops…the modern day Rubik’s Cube

  1. fiona elston

    brilliant, keep it up…

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